All of the above.
Looking at the mental timeline I have in my head, I feel all of the above. I'm talking about permanent residency in another country, major commitment to a certain someone, fighting for my own happiness and point of view with little social support in another country and managing a married life.
Some can comment that married life is a total different change from how you used to live your single life. Well, at least in 2014, I will be experiencing marriage + new country, not as a tourist but as a permanent resident. Hopefully.
I sense fear in myself. I fight with Tex a lot because we're both quite stubborn in our point of views. Good thing is we always calm down and decide to gel our views and perspectives into something we both can accept. Compromise number one.
I'm worried when I move there, I will be fighting alone. Of course, I don't envision myself to be fighting with Tex all the time. I'm pretty sure things will be much better than what it is now because Tex will be lifted from a stressful environment in Singapore and will have opportunities to explore what he really loves. When you are doing what you love, you can hardly have lousy feelings right?
One, social support. The solitude in a strange environment scares me. I'm constantly worrying that I have no social support in Perth to fall back on. Back here, I can always storm off and head home to cry or to talk to my friends or drown my sorrows. Things will just be different there. I guess it trains me to be rational and adult-like. For one, I don't think I can storm off. I wouldn't know my way home and public transport in Perth is zzzzzzzzz. We will only be sharing one car to keep costs down. Actually, I'm not very sure if we even will have a car.
Two, for a short while, he may be my only friend there. Sure, my future mother-in-law will be there as well but how many of you confide in your mother-in-laws when you fight with your husband? Don't think I'm prepared to be the first. It's just.. weird. Also, how do you confide in your only friend (which is him) that you fought with your husband (which is also him)? Solution: Make more friends, make sure you always have Skype credit to call the folks back home. By 'folks', I meant friends. It will be very stressful for your family to receive calls like that.
Three, financial independence. I don't know what the fuck I want to do to earn money there! I can think of a couple - a stockist, cashier, ice-cream seller or even home-based caterer. It's making the first step that counts, and that first step also happens to be the most difficult.
Four, $$$. Applying for a PR in another country is not cheap. Period.
Five, situation back home. Constantly worrying about my ageing parents' health and whether my sister would be able to cope with them.
Six, my sister. Whether she thinks I'm being irresponsible for 'throwing' my parents back to them. I don't even know for how long I am going to be away.
Seven, my parents' retirement. How am I going to split the responsibility of taking care of them with my sister? My parents only have us two and they aren't the most decisive people that I know. =/
Eight, Tex's feelings. How would he feel about all of my worries above? Am I plating too much onto myself? Will he be supportive and encouraging? Will he continue to be my best friend when he realises I have so much thoughts ladened with fear, uncertainty, trepidation but also anticipation to start a new chapter of my life? Will he be THERE for LIFE?
I constantly swing between being extremely confident and inferior about my own ability. Recently going through changes to assure and validate myself that some choices that I make are completely understandable and normal. I do not have to explain or answer to anybody why I am making those choices and most importantly, I should live for myself more than anyone else. At 26, I am finding it very challenging to grapple with migration issues and ageing parents.
Confident me: Can one.
Inferior me: Shit, how?
=/
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