My Husband Is A Loving Fool

I logged in and I saw a sudden spike in my readership, kinda like a really sharp cone looking back at me. What have I done?

Nothing. But he did. Hahaha.

Thanks Nix, I'm more than just a lovely wife. I am also a distraught wife who misses her husband really badly BUT, I'm hanging in there. Five more days to go before I get to smell him.

Normally, I am normal. That's referring to the 98% of the time that I am in. The other 2% refers to what happened two nights ago, which now embarrasses me just a little bit to disclose it. Still am going to do it anyway.

These few months, I have been serene. When you do not have a husband who squeezes the toothpaste from the middle or leave his clothes around, I take it that you get a lot more peace. Tex doesn't do anything that is mentioned above. In fact, I can't recall any of his bad habits. Does nagging me to save counts?

So, it looks like I've got a new job scope and stress has been creeping under me knowingly unknowlingly knowingly unknowlingy (Sorry, can't decide). I know it but I thought I was controlling it well. I was also battling with my health - my migraines with auras are back to visit me every other day. This has caused a real real disturbance to my life. As much as I try to trivialise the effects auras have on me, I have developed a phobia for them. I avoid bright lights, I do not stare at the sun anymore because it reminds me of auras, I hate it when people put on high beams on their cars and I abhor LED lights. I can never look at Excel sheets in the same way again - the fear of spotting zig-zag lines are too daunting to handle.

Let me talk about my migraine history a little bit. It was when I was 12 that I started having headaches. My head would ache and I would feel nauseous. Unfortunately, I eventually learnt how to induce vomiting because that made me feel so much better. My parents attributed the cause of my headaches to the TOP THREE REASONS we hear every other day:

1. Not enough sleep
2. Never drink enough water
3. Body too heaty

These three reasons rotated every single time my headaches acted up. Initially, my mother would bring me to the doctor. I obtained so much paracetamol pills, I could self-medicate. From 12 to 16, they happened about two to three times a year. When I was in poly, it became once every three months. Finally I was in Uni, I had to skip lectures or leave halfway because I needed to rest up and vomit, and we are talking about once a month. Gradually, from when I was 16 onwards, I noticed that everytime before I had a headache, I couldn't 'see'. What do I mean by 'couldn't see'? Then, I termed it 'partial blindness', where bright scintillating lights would obstruct my vision and stay there for 20 minutes. It's like having rainbows dancing in front of your eyes but they are not there. Sounds pretty, doesn't it? Hell no.

Watch this.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/migraine-aura/MM00659

This is, by far, the most accurate of an animated vision of an aura. Mine's more colourful than that. Hehehe. And we all know how migraines work, so I'll skip that.

By the time, I started working, the frequency increased to many times in a year but the nausea stopped. There would be weeks where I had attacks every other day. With the company taking care of my medical bills, in 2010 I decided to milk the resources approach the company GP to refer me to a polyclinic for a check-up. I got it and went for the appointment, who then referred me to National Neuroscience Institute for another check-up. This was about 2 months after I spoke to my company GP about my predicament. My doctor at NNI, Prof Tsjia, recommended me to go for a CT scan, the very first day we met. I thought, "Oh lucky. At least she didn't recommend MRI."

The CT scan cleared me - there was nothing alarming found in my brain. As of then. She prescribed me very small daily doses of Propranalol and Amitriptyline, which I later learnt were some forms of anti-depressants and muscle relaxants. She must have assumed that mine were stress headaches.

I then concluded that my lifestyle had to change. I had to do all the healthy things a person does, sleep early, drink more water, avoid food triggers like caffeine, chocolates, nuts, stare at greens after every half an hour's of computer usage, exercise everyday, stay happy. C'mon, we all know it's attainable, but HOW sustainable can this be?

This went for another three years and here I am, still taking medicine, still suffering from migraines and auras, but my take on it is different from when I was in 2010. I have learnt to accept in a hard way, that my migraines will never, ever go away.

I learnt to accept it as part of my life. When the auras come to visit, I say 'hello', in a dull kind of way. I wait for the aura to lapse (about 30 minutes) and I continue to do my work, focussing on the Excel sheets again. I take naps during lunchtime when I get them, I spam myself with water and I stopped taking paracetemol altogether. Why did I stop? They helped momentarily, but I soon figured that I could deal with the pain. The most excruciating part was not the physical pain - it was knowing that the migraines would come again as fast as they went away. This is the most torturing fact for me, but also the most challenging barrier I have to tell myself to get over it.

Now, I visit the National Neuroscience Institute on a 6-month regular basis. I'm consoled by the fact that my company takes care of the medical bill and I only have to co-pay $15 for each visit. I don't take these things for granted. Every appointment I came out of, I'm glad I'm still okay. I still struggle with lifestyle changes - I force myself to sleep early, mostly unsuccessful and my disgruntlement and resentment flows to poor Tex, which brings me to my final point - two nights ago.

My work is currently facing a changing landscape and while I am enjoying it, there is no doubt higher levels of stress and more work came with it. Tex was also facing changes on many levels at his end and me being me, I take a longer time to warm up and start disclosing information. Therefore, on many accounts, our chats revolved around his needs and his lifestyle. So when I finally warmed up to share, it normally gets too late for my bedtime or we're too tired to continue talking. For the record, credit goes to him for continually asking if I have anything to share - I do, I just haven't warmed up yet, no fault of his.

So two nights ago, when I couldn't get him way before my bedtime, I was faced with a serious dilemma. I 'needed' to sleep early, (an aura that day had warned me) and I had so much to share yet I couldn't contact this bugger on his phone. On other days, I would have just left a message and gone to bed. But that day, I exploded into this full-fledged bitch and spammed him with messages and I care to say, non-abusive. It was civil and polite but firm. But not me.

He texted me half an hour later (I was too distraught to fall asleep) and did his magic. Talking calmly, asking questions, explaining his non-actions but I still wasn't taking it in. I was so caught up in my own stress about my health that I broke down and sobbed quietly on the phone. I knew it wasn't his fault but I didn't know what else to do. I needed to talk to him about matters which I had the decisions in mind but I just simply needed someone to go through it with me. He was the first one that came to my mind but also the very same one that I blew up on. Sigh, the ironies of life.

Tex remained calm and loving despite me being hurtful. This man could see that I was going under a little. Perks of having a counsellor for a husband! Even till the next day when I overslept for work, I still had residual anger with him in me and out of resentment, I texted him "Fucking overslept."

Which I totally didn't have to do it. He couldn't have helped anyway. However, he continued to put himself in my radar and allowed himself to get shot by my anger by replying "Rested?" and "How are you doing today?" and me counter-replying "Not at all." What a weird, weird loving fool. Later that night, I managed to calm myself down and apologised for my actions. He accepted it like a man.

And then, life goes on.

There is no moral of the story here. It is an account of a couple who deal with the real stress in a relationship with slightly deviating lifestyles. I don't write about only happy incidents - that's easy, pardon me - but incidents like this heighten my awareness that not-so-happy moments help strengthen one's self and relationships. And that I owe it to myself to portray an accurate online personality of myself because that should mirror me in real life. This should further reiterate the point that I don't only blog about happy moments in my life, but also the nasty ones.

I'm in a very stressful but hopefully manageable stage right now. I will do what I need to, to be better. :)