Nothing Is Indispensable

During one of our fights and in between Tex's sullen face and my teary eyes:

Me: How can we move on? Is it even possible?

Tex: Nothing is indispensable in this world. I want you but I do not need you. I am a complete circle - I don't need you to complete my life. That would suggest that I was an incomplete person before having you in my life. That is not true. I'm not a fragile person looking for completion in someone. I am a well-adjusted individual trying to find a like-minded person whom I feel happy, invigorated and inspired comfortable to share my life with. If your beliefs differ from mine, you better tell me now.

Tex: The pain of life is that we are exposed to suffering, in fact death is wonderful - an absence of everything living. Only living people feel pain, death has nothingness.

Me: Indifferent?

Tex: Nothingness. Zilch. Indifferent is a feeling. I accept that you are faltering. It's okay to falter in your life. We all falter, we are all human, it's part of life to feel vulnerable. To feel vulnerable is also to be strong. You are not 100% who I want you to be but you don't live to please me. I don't desert you when you're down. I dig deep into all the wells of resource we have nurtured and stand by you

This is what nurturing a relationship is about. When we exhaust that well, we top it up because it is about saving for the rainy days ahead, or days like these. Nothing is indispensible. Forcing situations where people are unhappy only unnecessarily causes pain. Incompatible beyond a certain point means we cannot be together.

 

Tex: So it's simple. I marry you with my commitment that I give 150% of me to make this work. I will give my unwavering support, love and attention and in turn, you offer similar. If we drift apart, we work to iron out the issues. If despite our best efforts things don't work out then so be it.

 

I'm blogging this with a very calm mind because all he has said are brutally honest, some say cruel, even, but true. I never believed in forever, only as long as possible and so are relationships that meant that to me. One does not simply stop living because another person has made his or her exit. You complete your life and you find someone to share it with, not help you to complete yours. Your outcomes are the results of your choices.

 

Take Alvin & Yuki for example. So he left her. Yuki can choose to die, of course, it's her choice but Alvin will still be alive and kicking without her. He doesn't lose a part of himself just because she dies. It is ultimately her choice and her personal permission to herself on how she wants to lead or end her life, on her terms. When you die, all that you have ended, are your own right or wrong doings and yes, you will expect nothingness. Nothing more, nothing less. If she dies, she does not get to end Alvin's relationship with this other woman. They are mutually exclusive in her life.

 

Your life is about you. Two complete persons come together, good. You break up, you are still complete. You are on your own. Alone, but complete.

 

To be fair, it took me many tears and revelations to finally understand that.